Landvetter Transcript - The Jenny Source

The blank spaces in this transcript are where the words are difficult for me to hear/understand. Feel free to fill in the blanks if you have the ability to do so.

This is a speech given by Jenny at Landvettera's congregation center on October 20, 2004. Approximately 25-30 people were in attendance. The theme of the talk she gave was "The skill of combining the artist life with a life in the service of God." (This is a play on words. In the service of God has a double meaning here, both literally and also meaning worship.)

Singing "Du ? Tarre" (It was only Jenny this evening. A guy named Mats was playing keyboards as accompaniment.) Before I usually speak in front of people, I usually talk... I have to have the white board...___________... (rolls in white board). It isn't quiet to roll in white boards... (People talking, moving and then Jenny passes around baskets of food that were served just before the speech)

Send these out here so everyone can take some. Serviettes that aren't being served. ____ How nice..[We'll do it this way]... Would you like some grapes? ___________. If you all eat too terribly much, you will put a little bit more money in there, right? (referring to basket containing money). Would you like a ______(some type of food), my dear? Do you assume responsibility for them?

It's like this, when I speak to people, I have a base idea about what I am going to talk about. It is ______ and actually don't have any notion of what I am going to speak about because I don't know you. I have no idea where you are from, who has been bothersome to you today or who has been loving.. and not ____ because that's usually not the case. (?) I usually always begin with a prayer to get the right perspective on the night. So you are also more than welcome to pray with me if you'd like.

Lord, thank you that you are here tonight. Thank you for holding me and everyone who is here in Your hand. Come in Holy Spirit and let there be a right life inside of us and what you would like to say to us (?). Thank you for being our source and our comfort. And we pray that You will be with us this moment. Amen......

Good. A proper pen for my visit here. It looks quite charming when you are throwing baskets at each other. I will use that as something for next time.

My life, my everyday day when I work in different ways, I don't think is so very different but is about average, a little good, little bad. Certain periods of time are a little worse and other times are a little better. But certain parts of every period have moments where it is actually completely wonderful to be alive.

And when you talk about topography, do you know what it is? Is there someone who can explain it? Because I am not so great at explaining topography. [Woman who describes]... High points... [Woman continuing to describe..]. High points.

Have you every been out orienteering sometime? Do try it, you get lost right from the start. I have tried it.

Is there someone who has been out to sea? Because then you can sometimes have a sonar if you have a good boat, or you can have a good sonar too.. Then you can see how deep it is.

And here we have both up and down so it can be measured. (draws up and down arrows on board) I am going to talk about my life and my journey, how it has gone up and down. Up, I'm putting a very strange plus, and down I'm putting a minus. And then a zero as a main (stumbles on something while drawing straight line). Here we have a little break. Oh, how messy it turned out!

Today I am 32, and 5, and a half you could say, a little more than 32 years old. And I was born in Partille. My mother gave birth to me like many others here (audience laughs) and I was raised by mom and dad and my brother and my sister. I was the youngest. And something happened already back then when I was, shall we say, 3 years. I'm putting a 3 here, there we go. What happened then was that mom, I could have been two, I dont recall, but my dad became my closest friend. Dad came and got me when I cried at night, dad was the one who I should call on when I was scared. Dad came and comforted me and gave me oatmeal and water and what I wanted. And took me to the bathroom, those kinds of things dad did. So then, I'll write change here.

How can you see what I am writing here? Because it is so dark in here. Should I change pens? Is it ok? Is it ok in the back? [It's ok]. Good. You can of course ask each other or otherwise throw some stuff at me if there is something because I feel it's important that everyone follows along.

So I will write a change to Partille, then it gets really strange, but you understand why I am writing that? I'll write dad. So I got a little change there to my dad who took care of me when I was little. And it was naturally also difficult because it maybe made me a little more insecure with my siblings.

So when I was six, seven... I'll write with another pen instead. When I was six, seven I began small preschool, yes something, something like a nursery in any case and this time was one of the more difficult times in my life because there was a girl whose name was Marie in my class. And Marie was unbelievably mean to everyone and even succeeded in shutting me down. I was alone and had no one to play with. I was on the outside and there was no one who supported me and said I should join in. It continued for at least 3 years. So I?m writing... So, I'll write Marie here.

I apologize if anyone here is named Marie. It?s not that I dislike people named Marie. When I meet her I will take up some things with her, I think. So, writing Marie (writes on board).

Marie was nuts and now I will somehow, between plus and minus, draw these first years. You understand that it gets a little strange. ________. (starts drawing line from top of chart) It was very fun to be born, I suppose. I buy it anyway..

And here, when dad came I think it got a little bit strange like that (referring to autopography she draws on the board), and I believe it got even worse when Marie came (draws line further down on chart). Because I didn't have anyone, at all.

That?s the way it was. Then, we got new people in the class who had a little more...in the head and I found a lot of new people to play with and had an enormous amount of fun. I'm not going to say anymore about that, you know. ______(unintelligible)

Life turned around, very powerfully somewhere there and when I was around 13, I began to go to...I began to understand what it meant to be Christian. My parents are Christian, I had always gone to church and such and not ______, but often left up to me, __________. And I met ______ (someone) there. [woman at the front table: I've never heard about that] What? [I've never heard] Mmm. [woman commenting] Yes.

It was really fun actually. A really nice time, and at the same time, I understood that this thing with God that came into my life was, it was a little nerdy. And I played violin and thought it was, it was not the coolest thing I have done, so to speak, because they strongly teased someone who played in front of me. I don?t know why but I didn't like to be teased. I had experience with that. I was afraid for them to know. I didn't want to show my violin. I didn't want to be ex, outside again either. Now I understood that if I were Christian then it could very well happen that they pointed me out at school sometime. So that then when I thought, I feel that it is ok to be Christian, then it was just great.

And when I was 15...a very strange thing happened in my life. That camp that I had been at, it was ?. It has been nice with ?. And there I had my.. Just when I had been out one night, my mother came and said, "Jenny, come into the kitchen because I have something I must tell you. I have cancer and I have a 3 to 4% chance of survival." And then everything collapsed. So, out there at the confirmation camp, I turned 16... And I had very big questions and one night I sat in evening prayers and looked out onto the wonderfully beautiful sea which is there and watched the sun set. Turned 16 and sang Bible verses. The Bible?s text was "So shall God?s peace, which surpasses all your understanding, give your heart and your thoughts protection in Christ Jesus" And all I could think of was that my mom may not be alive later. And that a big pillar in my life that I stood on, who was my mother, naturally. The other was my father who I knew from long ago and very well. I had big strong pillars and the one was going to give way. And I had seen how things went with my friend?s big sisters who had cancer, (description of the difficulties they faced) you give up______ . You fall out. You become.. In some way, it was so extremely difficult to think that it would work at all.

And what I sang that night when the sun set and I was going to accompany Niklas, it in some way became real to me, that when I tell God everything I need, I need this God, I need even this. I need something which supports if mom passes on. And I wasn?t allowed to understand more of these thoughts in such a case. And then He spoke to me in some way, then this protection seeped in. I did not get another pillar because I knew that it would tumble.

Do you understand what I am saying now?, that I received a totally new experience of what God could be. That He could comfort me when it was so devastating that my mother might die. I understood that. And it was God?s protection. So, I'm writing... I'm writing cancer here.

I would like to pull up this time again. I want to sing a song for you about what I felt exactly in this moment. And even if this is a _______ (different type of song), sung by Mauro Scocco, it gives an extremely good picture about how I would never be abandoned, regardless of what goes on, how God would always find a way to me no matter how far away I was.

"Du är aldrig ensam" (Interesting to note that Jenny sang this song a little differently than times before. This time she changed a few pronouns in the song to give the audience a clearer picture of what she means when she spoke about how God would always find a way to her. With the slight pronoun changes, the song changes from one person singing about someone else to a person singing about God.)

I was at the confirmation. It was a brilliant day. I had given my first ever theatre performance. It was awful. But I was at the confirmation service and we were dressed in white, all 36 confirmed. And I knew it then already, that this was a certain thing that I can say yes to. I wanted everything in my life and everything I was to do in the future, regardless of what could happen to me, I wanted so very much to have that feeling that filled me then, to fill me continuously. So I said yes, and during the confirmation service's last song, I even asked to sing because I remember that I thought it was so fun. It would have been so nice if I was able to make something of this big moment, I thought, because I, the violin. I sang with the violin too. My violin teacher didn't like that. But I thought that she could very well play and I could sing instead. Poor Birgitta Ströberg. In any case, then this strange time after confirmation came when I, I was a part of KU, Youth of the church, ("Kyrkans Ungdom") and one of those fired up speakers came, a big man with a lot of authority and he passed out prophecies left and right. And I thought that they were a little debatable, but for me, he said, Jenny you will sing and write, or sing, something about flowers. I thought, sure, it sounds a little fun that I, I can see myself doing that sometime when I grow up. I would write a little poem about flowers or do something else having to do with flowers, maybe be a florist. You never know, right?

Then a big success train came and it stopped in Göteborg and took me, my sister, and my brother, and Ulf Ekberg. We struck out via our music. We came to Denmark first. Ace of Base came in at number 1 and number 2 on the sales, as singles on the sales chart, and I thought we were a few steps away from Norway, or from, from Norway, actually from England. Where did that come from? (Referring to herself saying Norway at first instead of the intended England). Then we traveled to Norway. We were as successful there. A few questions and interviews. I was still going to school. I was going to be a teacher in child studies and English, and that?s the way it was because you should have the keys and that?s good. Because you shouldn?t continue with such because it doesn?t work. (such meaning being in a band)

So we became, ______ (<--a group?, travelers?) for nearly ten years and still are. We travel around and I have found many new friends, as luck would have it. Some are here tonight. How fun. I have spoken with many dependable and good people. I have had the opportunity to see different environments. I didn?t think I would get to London. I am so terribly bad at saving. So, I thought that I would never have savings enough for that airplane ticket. I have been to London many times. And then I have been in the USA and I have had big long limousines pick me up at the hotel. I have been to the Grammy Awards. I have received American Music Awards. I have received Billboard Awards. I, who can barely give my speeches have stood in front of very many people and said "Thank you very much. That was great." I remembered a lot of phrases and sentences and my friends here know that I cannot hold down a theme when I tell an ordinary story. Except that is the typical incredible that, I won't.. (?) But I will write the groups name here. (Writes Ace of Base on the board). We were, our first album was the best selling in world history. Still is. We have had huge success.

It is fantastic in a way, only because it was not really me who, and people who know me know this, that it is not really me to travel around in long cars and chat in English and be someone who would be a snobby pop star. Not at all me. And there were two parts here. It was a little bit like the text in the song this evening, that I was very lonely. I had strange problems. I had been very lost, difficult to get grounded when I came home. I used one soap, one hand soap, in two years. And it was never because I never washed. I was never home. How many bars of soap do you use in a year? Have you thought about that? (people laugh, whisper to each other). Soap disappears, especially the pump soaps that are so talked about. I had a small ugly dry soap and it was a little scary, you could say. I was very lonely and I began to long for home. I was out and had fantastic travels and I flew nearly all the time. I think I have flown over a thousand times and I have.. I am thankful, I am unbelievably thankful for everything I have been able to be a part of, but at the same time there was a piece of me that wanted to go home. I wanted to go home to my friends. I wanted to call and say that ?I have just been to the statue of Christ in Sao Paulo, did you know that they built it with limestone from Sweden?? I wanted to say that to someone. I would like for them to come over and say, how cool, did you buy any souvenirs? Was it tall? Was it big? Was it all white? Could you believe you were there? What fun! But it was those soaps. Really, it was those things which life was made of.

So I had been alone during all of my experiences. And then, every time I came home and then I called, now I am home? and then the knowledge I had from of all the places, things I had done came pouring out. And then I traveled out again. I was home and I washed clothes. It takes about a day if you had a ton of baggage, very _____. I paid all the bills, many in any case, and I.. called around and met as many as possible and then I packed again and then I left. So I was home maybe three, or two days per month, basically for two years. And we worked during the summer too. And then I realized, finally _________ (<-- during some date) we decided together at ________ (<--some place), ?No, now we will say no, now we will relax and land a bit. Now we will go home and we will have a wonderful summer, a Swedish summer and we will be really tan and we will be really lazy and should be able to buy something for the money we have earned and maybe will buy a car for mom and dad. And above all, get a summary too (?).? You can do such things when you make money from your profession. And then I began to want this and that. And I know that I bought a new carpet from IKEA for myself. I bought myself a new wardrobe. I bought a great new bed. And to put up my records, I bought a stool. I have a lot of bedroom space and happily have it still.

I came home. I came home the 25th of April 1994...(writing on board). I?m writing the 26th because that is the date I want to get to. I came home to my parent's home then. I went and laid down and fell asleep around 12. I had seen that there was someone standing outside, that type that you don?t really know who it is. I thought that it was maybe someone who.. because there were many people around our house so I thought it was maybe someone who only wanted an autograph or something. It doesn?t have to be dangerous. I went and laid down and slept. I didn't wake up until she stood there with a knife against my throat.

She herself burned.., burned out wood.._______________.(<-- making a small comment on her choice of words.) and carved into our door and got into my room and woke me up with a knife against my throat. I had no idea what she wanted. She asked, do you speak German? And I did, of course. And our conversation was very strange due to the threats and the violence she held towards me. And creep, crept, around my bed and switched different grips on me and I gradually found out that she wanted to speak with my parents.

And I tried to describe where it was, where they slept but she asked me to show the way. So, I got up out of the bed and up the stairs, struggling with this woman with the knife. And I went into my mom's bedroom ______ and I did not know what was going to happen. Either she was completely, because she certainly had, she didn?t want, there was nothing that she wanted from me, from me as a person. Didn't want an autograph ______, I don't know but extremely angry and she screamed at me that she loathed me. And we came up to the bedroom and I thought, when we reach ______(something/someone), what will she do? Is she going to slit my throat and wake my mom just before so she will see it or will she make me watch that thing she does to my mom when I turn to my mother? So right there I completely lost all concentration. I have actually forgotten these moments. And I yelled, evidently. Mom wakes up like a lion so she could get this German woman and disarm her. The police come and she was put in jail and, in most cases, everything is fine. And me, I have never been a part of anything like it. Have never been involved in an attack.

My first reaction that I had was that my mom and dad never taught me how to handle painful things. They had answers here when I was teased. Thy could come with some suggestions, but Jenny try and attempt to______ one time? and ? I understand you?. And even here. (pointing to mother's cancer). Yes, it can happen in many ways. Well, certain things they could say, ?oh, but it is this way.? ?It will be this way? and ?I understand you.? It is important. You have many questions. Impossible questions in a way. So I noticed a very strange thing then. This is happy Jenny who had so much fun. (pointing to AOB on chart) I was a little lonely along the way and longed for home, came home.. and ________another life. It was like two different people.

I had never been part of such a large strange experience. Such a dramatic thing that it fixed itself close to me, I felt. And I had a very difficult time. But at the same time, I thought that I was rather sheltered. People were very nice and friendly. I enjoy my job very much. I loved to sing and loved to meet people anywhere. It was not there the problem sat, it sat somewhere else. It was so connected somewhere and this was how it was everywhere. And so this was something that needed to be fixed. And, little by little, I went to a priest, who is bound to professional secrecy, as you know. It is great. There was no one who was going to gossip to some newspaper the next day if I talked about something. So I didn't waste any time saying that it could be this way, that it felt like I'm sitting inside a washing machine sometimes. My life doesn?t fit together. It is weighed down with all this sorrow. There was some form of anxiety I had. I felt very bad and the first year began having nightmares.

So, I had no one I could speak to about what happened to me. And the priest said that it was probably best to travel back to where it all happened. I moved from there the first night. ? It is best to travel back to your house and sit down. Go into the house and confront this pain again. It is the only way to come out of it.? And that was about the equivalent of taking these writing pens here and sticking them right in your eye. That's what I am talking about. It's obvious that you just don't do that because it is so painful. It was completely unnecessary to deal with that difficult memory.

I sang with my mom and dad many years later. It was two or three years later and it was a very wonderful worship service and I left and drove my car and it was the first spring day. And I ended up very close to that house. Now I am going to find out, I thought. It feels like a good day, you know? Now I am going to get a handle on what the priest said that time. So, I went up and sat in front of the house. And I locked the doors in the car and sat and really curled myself up.

I hoped that no one saw me in the car. I sat just beside the house on the street. And so, I said, good Lord, what is Your will? What is Your will in all this? And then I remembered what day it was. I had traveled there the 26th of April. I sat there on the anniversary a few years later, 96, 96.. Or 97, I don't remember. It is not important in the context.

So, I was able to cry. Oh, how I cried. I cried. I usually don?t cry. I am really good at not crying. I cry when I am happy. Then I will well up when it is wonderful.. ?Oh, hurray!? But when I feel bad, I resolve to go out to the hairdresser or the chiropractor. But then I cried. I was completely another there as well. God, I cried from the bottom of my soul. For I knew this pain was real. And so I saw a picture. I saw a picture that had to do with this I want to discuss, but not at all so clouded. A very clear picture. And it was how something existed.

I could understand up (points to top of chart) and down (points to bottom of chart). It was the best and it was the worst. That I could understand. But God, He is not confined by anything. He is over all and supporting all, and most of all supporting all, I experienced then.

So, somewhere, there was just one big hole, here. Here. (points to where line went off the chart between AOB and April 26). There is a hole here.. And in that hole a totally different thing poured in. An extremely strong feeling of love and peace that can?t be explained. I won?t even try to attempt explaining. I believe, as a matter of fact, that many of you really know exactly what I am talking about. And that is what I believe in. (Draws a red line from the bottom of the hole between AOB and April 26 to the top of the chart).

It came in here (points to hole) and it came in here also (Draws the second red line from bottom of chart). And somehow I understood it because of this (points to attack). And it is here. And it is around every person. So very big and so very strong that you really don?t understand what it is. Much greater than we understand, as I sang. And it came in there. And it was an absolutely absolutely special day for me. I began to believe in God even more differently than I had done before. And it was lucky that I was able to take part in that experience. Because when I turned 27 years old.. (using pen). So you know what happened here. My dad became another too. He died.. (writing on board) And I am writing that in here. And it went, I knew it this time. I knew that he would. And I now knew that this thing would come again. I became another for a little while.

But He will heal the things that are broken just as He always heals things He receives in His hands when you tell them to Him. And rightly so, these healings have taken place. It has taken years and a part of me will always grieve. A part of my mom will always grieve. And that?s the way life is. But it is strange. When things are at their worst, there is always someone who.. when dad died there was a wise person who said, ?Jenny, open your eyes so you see all the angels who are standing around you.? And I thought that it was a little strange. I have never seen angels. I would have been scared out of my wits. And God of course knows that I would have gone mad if I were to meet angels who console, if I got to see a ?live? angel that way.

So, that we?ll dismiss. But there were many other things which occurred. Small cards came. Very elegant conversations with people took place. And there were so many other things which I saw as these angels that came into the surroundings.

I believe that another part of me became so many years wiser and more sensible. And you can perceive quite a lot of things, that you can somewhere fight your way back and see, ?well now, this can be good when things are bad?. But, I nevertheless know certain things. And I believe that a bit of what I have experienced, that when I have spoken with those to be confirmed and others, I know that if I had not spoken then and had not talked about how difficult this was and that there is a good God despite the fact that there are so many bad things that can happen, I know that they might not be alive today.

I have completely finished describing about this.. part. It looks like I have a very difficult life. I have not focused on the positive, not today. It looks like I am not a happy person but I have a terribly good time when I have fun so you have to take it as it looks here. But the important thing is, I feel, is that I have told you everything. When my own limitations are evident, when I don?t understand, He understands.

This song that I?m speaking about, that I really didn?t want when I was 16 and when I was 18 and in KU heard a discussion and talk about flowers. I believe I have not done one single CD without either having sang about or had a big flower on the cover, and it isn?t me who has chosen it.

I wrote a song about this attack on one of my records called "Ravine" and there was just one word in it I did not write. I sang "was a plant". I felt it was an incredibly poetic word. And then I took it to Tommy Ekman, that poor man, who got these lyrics in front of him and then said, ? But Jenny, you can't sing "plant". ?Yeah, it should be a one syl, a one syllab, syll, one syl, syllab, I don?t know. What is it called? [woman: One syllable]. One syllable word. Good. It should be a one syllable word I thought. Then he said, ?No, it should be "flower". How am I supposed to take that? How could he know what this big strong American, who had been on exchange in KU said so many years ago? That, I don?t have a clue about. But suddenly, I stood on huge stages singing about flowers. And furthermore, I had written, oh yes, it was him who wrote the word. I thought that I should sing a song as a closing and it is a song in English. Incredibly light handwriting so I barely see it in front of me. (Looking at paper with lyrics/music). And there are some words which I have underlined on here. One is "face to face". "I'm longing to see you one day face to face" and it is not only Him I will see but dad too. And the whole time I'm singing, "how lovely you are to me". _______, that was tough. I am also singing "God of creation" because that was one of the pictures when I sat in the car with the central locks on. I was frightened and cried and, at the same time, I received such a deep peace which I had never experienced.

So, I received the picture that just as I was broken and in pieces from this experience, other things can be broken and in pieces too. This camera, when it breaks down Henrik, soon. You don?t really go to Bosse Larsson and ask if he can sing it back together. You don?t go to a plant shop either and wonder what you can give it so that it grows back up again. And these things are obviously childish things I am saying, really childish, but I believe we are so dumb sometimes. That the things which are difficult in our lives, we don?t go to our creator and ask if he has the blueprints and plans for it. Not at first, but instead we try other things.

I go to the chiropractor and my hairdresser and so on. I also try a little something else. I speak with my friends and see if it can lift me up a little and it does. But certain things, when dealing with what you ought to do about some difficulties in life and what you ought to do when you have an uncertain future, then you have no, then you go, you try to fill the hole, in a way, with these types of things that aren?t enough. Sort of like when you use a wishing well which holds, or gets, money when you have a need for your own life. And He can give you that.

But, with my broken camera, you naturally go to..I actually don?t know where you go. You go to the camera guy or you buy a new one. [man: you buy a new one] [woman: yes, exactly. He goes and says can I please have a new camera, ______ ]. No, but in any case, you definitely know that there is someone who created it, who has blueprints for it and if there is a screw loose, the one who has created it knows where it goes.

Now I have a lot of screws loose, so I won't continue with this witnessing. "God of creation" this song reverently states, and I too shortly because I feel it is so fantastic that when I break down and fall apart, when you break down and fall apart, there is someone who knows, ?She has gone through this/these things. This person needs such and such to manage their future?. Because He has created us, He knows precisely, exactly. He creates every day. Constantly He creates.

And those things that are strange in our lives, He creates anew. He creates life where there is death. I knew a pair who were going to break up. And I had spoken a long time with this woman who was going to leave her guy and then I said, ?I don?t have any advice to give you except to go into the church, light a candle, and you will know that the love which is dead for you, He can bring to life. Go in and light a candle.? And today they are still together. And I don't believe that it was me who was so smart and sat and spoke with her on the balcony in the brilliance of Spring but I believe it was God himself. Because she was in another country and you cannot give such comfort over the telephone. But God can and He does.

(music begins)

Also, if there are some who know this song and want to follow along or sing with, I feel that it is the finest solace (?) I know when people sing a lot together. So in that case, let me hear it this evening.

--"Lovely Lord" - originally by Petra

I have spoken about difficult passages when I have been very afraid and how I have come through it. It was not always me. There is someone else who should have the glory for it, so He can gladly have it. And I hope that you have a very nice night tonight and that you have taken something with you this evening. And so, I also ask that, if there was something which landed strange or wrong, I want you to speak with me rather than simply leaving and carrying around a big burden in your heart. I think that's _______. In all seriousness, it is important, yes? That it has made sense, those things which I have said. And if I have gone astray and forgotten the whole point and all, my friends will say something. Thank you so much.

(Applause) (presentation of gifts. Flowers for Jenny, key chain for Mats the keyboard player)

[woman: (presents flowers to Jenny). Not such a bad gift after all since you spoke about flowers.] (gives flowers as gift).

Jenny: Yes, thank you. I am going to be singing a little more.

[woman: Thank you so very much that you shared your story -- etc etc --. And I think we all recognize ourselves in your words. --etc, etc-- Mats actually didn?t know that he was going to help with the music today -- etc, etc --- (Mats gets a key chain for a gift). -- etc, etc --]

[other woman talking about the series: You are all welcome back to our next "Close to the heart" series --- etc, etc. --- (speaks from 5:35-7:10)]

(Some dialogue here between woman speaking, Jenny, and audience response)

Jenny: I thought that we could very well sing together. I get to hear everybody together here. "Bred Dina Vida Vingar". _______________.

--"Bred Dina Vida Vingar" - originally by Lina Sandell

(15 seconds pass)